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最美书信《金缕曲》英译评选结果出炉


  2015年6月,上海大剧院开展了最美书信《金缕曲》英译评选活动,得到了社会各界戏曲和翻译爱好人士的热烈响应。以《金缕曲》这感人肺腑、长盛不衰的故事为背景的各类翻译书信如雪花一般涌入剧院。且看翻译爱好人士是如何将格律严谨、文辞雅驯的最美书信表达成英语,以及资深媒体翻译人员是如何评价这些优秀的作品。





「金缕曲二首」原文
寄吴汉槎宁古塔,以词代书
丙辰冬寓京师千佛寺冰雪中作
顾贞观

(其一)
季子平安否。
便归来,平生万事,那堪回首。
行路悠悠谁慰藉,母老家贫子幼。
记不起,从前杯酒。
魑魅搏人应见惯,总输他覆雨翻云手。
冰与雪,周旋久。

泪痕莫滴牛衣透。
数天涯,依然骨肉,几家能彀。
比似红颜多命薄,更不如今还有。
只绝塞,苦寒难受。
廿载包胥承一诺,盼乌头马角终相救。
置此札,君怀袖。

(其二)
我亦飘零久。
十年来,深恩负尽,死生师友。
宿昔齐名非忝窃,试看杜陵消瘦。
曾不减,夜郎僝僽。
薄命长辞知己别,问人生到此凄凉否。
千万恨,从君剖。

兄生辛未吾丁丑。
共些时,冰霜摧折,早衰蒲柳。
词赋从今须少作,留取心魂相守。
但愿得,河清人寿。
归日急翻行戍稿,把空名料理传身后。
言不尽,观顿首。


  实现从只有232个字的两首中文“词”,到英文诗歌的完美转化?英译《金缕曲》难度并不小。尽管将“包胥”、“乌头马角”的典故和“杜陵”、“僝僽”的涵义等翻成现代白话文相对容易,但是英译时如何准确传情达意,同时得要兼顾诗歌的节奏与韵律,非常值得译者认真思量。以下为得奖人名单:


一等奖
刘嘉雯
二等奖
王雪飞 刘劲飞 李瑞
三等奖
周仰 许珊 孟繁月
优秀奖
刘卫兵 李璐 王至凡 周晓斐 李珍


  以下为一、二、三等奖作品,附评委点评

《金缕曲》其一 | 译者刘嘉雯
How are you doing, my beloved friend?
When you do return in the end,
These life-long mishaps we could yet never mend.
Through the labyrinth of hardship,
There's nobody on whom to depend.
Mom's aging, child's growing,
And in destitution I fend.
The good old days we've had,
Those beautiful memories just rend.
In the mighty hands of the haunting ghosts
We couldn't help but condescend.
Dreary ice and gloomy snow,
Twist and twirl long above the land.
Look to the good side, my dear friend.
Don't let your tears render your clothes drenched.
You are lucky to be among the few
Who had a family intact, you shall comprehend.
Many didn't even have a chance
Before their lives went to an end.
You're imprisoned on the freezing borderland
Where the cold is hard to stand.
Baoxu will serve as my lighthouse,
The loyal adjutant who kept his promise of national restoration,
Over a long period of twenty years.
And I promise you, my friend,
Long for your salvation I shall contend.
Well in the sleeve please carry,
This sincere letter I wholeheartedly penned.

  “语言流畅优美,富有诗意,韵律工整。但个别地方有容易使人误解,如‘And in destitution I fend’和理解不准确的问题。形式较美,类比了原词通韵形式,语言表现力较强,两阙间若能对称更好。”
  “胜在简洁明朗,音调铿锵。给出了如何按照行文风格与语义要求,将成语及典故中译英的优秀范例:这篇侧重说‘包胥一诺’——虽然对‘horny’和‘lighthouse’这两者的措词持保留意见。”

《金缕曲》其二 | 译者王雪飞
The life for me is similarly unstable.
Ten years have passed but I haven’t been able
To repay the kindness of you, my sworn friend for eternity.
The equal popularity we once enjoyed wasn’t short of reality,
Just look at Du Fu, the great poet of Tang,
How emaciated he was during Li Bai’s exile in Yelang?
Left alone by my poor wife’s death and my bosom friend’s exile,
Could I pour out all my miseries to you for a while?
Born in the year of goat and ox respectively though,
Under the torture of icy frost, our grey hair is like the progeria willow.
From now on, it’s better not to write so much but take good care
Of yourself and keep me a lasting company everywhere.
May we live long and the Yellow River turn clear.
Once you are home, you must be in a hurry to browse poems you wrote in frontier,
However, what shall be left behind is nothing but the vain fame.
Too much to say, so let me stop and salute before signing my name.

  “译文注意了押尾韵,使得全诗富有节奏和诗歌的美感,同时也传达出了原理解精准,表达流畅,语言自然,很好地达到了‘信’和‘达’的要求。个别地方可以更讲求诗意一些。”

《金缕曲》其一 | 译者刘劲飞
A Poem in the Tune of “Golden Threads”

A letter in the form of a poem, composed at the Thousand-Buddha Temple in the Capital in the ice and snow of the winter of 1676, to Wu Hancha, an exile to Ningguta.

My old chum, how are you?
How does your time last?
Return as you might, how can we afford to reminisce the eventful past!
Your old Mother and young kids are languishing at home in poverty,
And who can help to while away the rigour of your arduous journey?
So foreign is the fragrance of wine jugs among friends,
What is familiar is but the scheming foes and fiends,
Who, with the fickle fingers of falsehood, as always,
Make merits mired long in the chill of suffering days.

Don't shed your tears to drench the raw habit of hide,
Considering the fact that in this world far and wide,
How few exiled families could gather together in serenity,
And ill-starred ones, how many merely
Fare far worse in untimely mortality!
Worst of all, banishment into the barbarous frontiers,
Reduces one to the absence of tears!
Twenty years is gone since your departure,
The promise to redeem you weighs on my mind still harder,
Even until horses turned horny, and my hair silver.
So tuck in sleeves this epistle,
To await the bitter-sweet miracle.

  “在格律、押韵上相当讲究;同时,看得出译者在遣词造句和意境营造方面也颇费了一番心思,精准且动人,将学者风的情深意切用英伦古味很完美地重现。”

《金缕曲》其一 | 译者李瑞
Are you safe and sound, my dear friend?
Even if you return from exile,
all the things we had been through
would be too painful to look back at.
Who would be there to comfort you on your long journey,
When there are only old parents, young children in your impoverished home.
I could barely remember when we last enjoyed a drink together.
It is common enough to see fights between the evil and the kind.
The kind often are defeated by the manipulations of power.
Difficult times like ice and snow have long troubled us.

Do not cry about your misfortune.
Think about all those people away from home,
Not everyone can reunite with his family.
Compared to the many beautiful ladies who have died in their youth
You are lucky to still have you life.
But the bitter coldness at the border afar is unbearable.
I promised you 20 years ago that
I will eventually rescue you even if it seems impossible.
Please save this letter. Do not feel sad.

  “语言晓畅优美,表达自然易懂,易于观众接受,基本无理解与表达错误,整体较为忠实,可惜欠缺词的通韵形式。”

《金缕曲》其二 | 译者周仰
Long have I wandered,
For ten years. Failed thee, my mentor.
Renowned poets both, I and thou. Too worn out, for thee I worried.
Never forgot, thou my brother.
Deceased my love, and exiled, thou. How dreary this life then, I pondered.
Such misery, in thee I confide.

Forty some winters, thou and I had.
Weak and weary bodies, the frost left behind.
Write no more verses sad, so none shall tear us asunder.
Merely a wish, for world and fate better.
More on mind though, sincerely I bowed.

  “这篇并非字对字翻译,但译者洞察本质、去繁取精的能力实在了得。打动人心的译文,并非必须是一场‘鱼丽之宴’,有时一根精鲜的鱼骨也足够读者品味良久。”

《金缕曲》其一 | 译者许珊
How are you my fair friend?
O from the millions of tricks of life, the scars pain, as mountains stand.
No comfort on the horizon, you lumber on a road with no ends.
O the carefree drinks we exchanged, too remote to remember, too dear to forget.
Fate defeats man as always, man fails and falls, under an enemy so adept.
Linger the snow and the ice, last the struggle and fret.

Under the weight of tears, the rags do not hold.
As a pitiful principle, even families shatter under fateful blows.
The beauties are rarely blessed, curiously. O just as you have your torments unfold.
But philosophy never break the isolation, or wipe away the biting cold.
Two decades to fulfil a promise; this is not only an anecdote.
For I am working towards mine, till the earth sports horned horses, till the sky flies pale crows.
All here in this letter, take it and my words and heart with you go.

  “语言自然优美,极富文采与诗意,如‘O the carefree drinks we exchanged, too remote to remember, too dear to forget.’,个别地方表意有些模糊,如‘philosophy never break the isolation’,‘I am working towards mine’。”

《金缕曲》其一 | 孟繁月
Brother Wu, how are you?
Should you have a chance to return,
How sad indeed to look back on the past?
Who shall comfort you on this long and hard journey?
Not to mention your old mother, young children and dire poverty.
Hard to recall
The gratification we shared when enjoying ourselves drinking.
That demons and devils do harm to people is a matter of common occurrence,
And in the end he who is honest will be beaten by treacherous persons.
In a world of ice and snow,
You have been struggling for too long.

Do not let tears wet your coarse clothes:
Among those who were exiled and sent to frontiers,
How few there are who can still stay with their familiy members;
Compared with beautiful women who always die young,
How lucky you have been because you are still alive.
In remote frontiers, however,
The bitter coldness is unbearable.
I will follow the examples of Shen Baoxu and Prince Dan of Yan who sought possibility from the impossible,
And help you out of the insufferable bitterness.
Keep the letter I wrote
So you can later see I will keep my word.

  “翻译基本准确,行文流畅,多些文采为宜。”

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